This particular piece was harder for me to write and much easier for me to create. I think that was, because for me, I could see the pictures in my mind and knew what it looked like, but to put that into words; well, that was the difficult part. It is hard to let something go that you have held onto for so long, so here I go.
I am here to ask you what you truly need to heal all of the pain that over shadows you?
To truly heal, I need you to really forgive yourself, not just think or say you do, but to really let go of your guilt and regret.
I know that you tried to hard to be the perfect mom and wife, many called you a supermom. What you have gone through over the last 20 plus years was hard. It is not easy to raise three kids and one with severe ADHD too. You did this all while working full time and going to college. It is OK that your house was not perfectly clean. When you look back on it ~ does it really matter anyway?
I know that the guilt eats at the inside of you, because money was so tight and you were not able to put your kids into every sport or dance class that they wanted. That when they were in some activity and they wanted to quit, you were so OK with that because time was such a problem for you on top of the money. The guilt lies in not making them continue because you knew they enjoyed it, after all, they were just kids and wanted to be anywhere else but at practice. Now as adults those same kids say things like, “I wish I wouldn’t of quit” and “Why did you let me quit, mom?” These types of things continue to grow your guilt but it is what is was, and you can’t change the past.
The guilt that you feel for not being able to spend the time you really wanted to because you were so busy sitting at the kitchen table studying to get your degree ~ all you really wanted was a better life for your family. Because of your hard work, they have had a much better life then you ever did. You did it, you accomplished your goal.
The regret of having to work nights so that you could pay the bills and missing out on bedtime stories and kissing them goodnight. For never seeing your husband because you both had to work opposite shifts and by the time you did see him you were so busy with the kids, cleaning, homework or were just so exhausted that the time you spent together was not the perfect time you had envisioned from your childhood fantasies. We are all dealt the cards that the God gives us. We are not perfect and you did what you had to do.
For the depression that you suffered through and still suffer through that would put you in a dark room for weeks on end and the guilt and regret because it took you away from your family.
For having such self-esteem issues about your body and always saying things like, “I’m Fat!” or “I look so ugly!” in front of your daughters. To never being able to accept a complement and always denying what that complement was. Like, every time you husband tells you “Your Beautiful!” and you say “No, I’m not!” The guilt you feel every time one of your daughters makes a comment about their own looks, or you see that their self-esteem has been harmed.
I am here as your pain to tell you. No one person is perfect and I want you to know that it is OK for you to forgive yourself and just let it go. Your children grew up and they are beautiful kids that have started their lives. They have free minds and great ethics because of what you did accomplish. Your husband loves you, and each and every flaw that you see, he sees as a unique you. That is what makes him love you even more.
So, now you know what I truly need to heal.
I need you to forgive yourself!
I need you to let it go!
and most of all…
If you have some emotional pain that you are going through, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself. Maybe create a collage about what that pain looks like to you. You don’t have to share it with anyone. If you are hesitant because you are afraid someone might find it than after you have created it, have a forgiveness party for one. Go out to a place where you find peace and burn your letter and/or your art work. Truly ask yourself for forgiveness and maybe send out a prayer to the Cosmos or God, or whoever it is that you need to help you through your emotional pain as it might help you truly find the peace you are looking for. Then when you are done,