The last entry I wrote was back in June 2017. I had gone from having a stable frame of mind to an unstable frame of mind in a matter of only a couple of weeks and now, it is April 2018. I don’t remember much about what really happened, but when looking back on my last two posts, I believe it was that last post about Humpty Dumpty that finally did me in. After that post, I never went back to see my therapist again. I stopped my blog, I stopped reading my self-help books, I stopped writing. I just stopped and crawled down the rabbit hole. Basically,
Looking back, I am not really sure why I just gave up. But, there were many factors that probably went into it. The crazy business of trying to keep up with a regular blog, family and work. I was trying to race my way through my blog and keep up with those full-time bloggers out there. I lost sight of what I was trying to do, help myself and others through my experiences. My blog turned into a competition and I burned out fast. So, I went on with my life and tried as hard as I could to just fake it. I had to fake it for my job or I would have gotten fired. I faked it for my family because I did not want the attention and to not fake it would have been painful. More painful than what I had experienced with Humpty Dumpty and I just did not want to go through that again. So I buried my pain and went on with life.
A lot has changed in the last nine months. One of the most important things that I have done, was to move. I just really felt that I needed a fresh start, so I moved out-of-state to start over.
Also, I started a new job!
The one thing that I seemed to forget was that life’s stresses move with you. I wanted a free start so bad, because I hoped it would make the depression disappear. It did not! Regardless, I am loving life but the last few weeks have been very trying. The last few weeks have been that crazy stressful, it is that type of stress that we all go through, but for me that stress is making me fall back into the rabbit hole again. They have been so hard, that I have had images of just driving off a cliff. From past experience, I know that these images in my brain are a cry for help. So, this time instead of hiding my thoughts I have been posting them and I am pretty sure I have scared a lot of friends and family, and for that I am sorry to all. But, posting has giving me hope, because I am on the top of the wall and the hole is below and I haven’t fallen of the wall like Humpty Dumpty, yet.
With change comes new ideas and while I loved my initial blog of Journey of Hope. I am going to go in a new direction. Not a completely new direction, I will still create art, share education about depression and other mental illnesses. However, now, my blog will not be that race and I won’t post according to how people thinks blogs should be written, or how often people post. It won’t be a competition or a business. It will just be a place for people to come and read, learn, and maybe try out some of the ideas that I have for getting over that hurdle of depression when they need a lift and just can’t figure out anything else. Then when I am in pain, and I need that break, I will feel free of all pressures to take that break.
So, if you are one of my readers, thanks for sticking around waiting for when and if I would ever post again. If you are a new reader, thanks for stopping by!
Welcome to Rain, Rocks, and Rainbows!
Now and Always,